screwged

We're sorry, due to an overwhelming response to our Holiday offer, we can no longer provide delivery by December 25 via Standard, Rush or Overnight shipping methods.

If you wish to place your order today for delayed delivery, we are offering a 20% merchandise discount. In-stock items will ship via Rush delivery at the cost of Standard Delivery the week of 12/27/04 for arrival between 12/31/04 and 1/7/05. Out of stock items will be sent via Standard Delivery as they become available.

Signals catalogue, gotta love 'em. Week and a half before the holiday and they're overwhelmed. Well, why not. I'm overwhelmed. Or maybe I'm underwhelmed.

I get to spend a rather chaotic and soulless holiday eve at my sister's house with her children. The same ones that I've been unflinchingly generous with - M. by selling him my 1995 Volvo for what the dealer would have given me; M. and M., who've just taken an apartment together, by offering them living room furniture which they accepted and then didn't have the decency to tell me they no longer wanted - as it sits waiting for them in our garage - and lied to their mother when she warned them to let me know; W. and O. - well, okay, they still get off their butts and kiss and hug me when I walk in the door, but after we get their computers set up I doubt I'll ever see them again.

Cold cuts, gift opening, go home. Whee. I can't wait to see their charming faces when they open my cash-infused card. I won't wait for a thank-you note from any of them, nor will I hold my breath. Yes, I no longer bother to make an effort to find them gifts, or even ask what they would like, since I've only once in 23 years received a thank-you note from any of them. This will likely be the last year I give them anything at all. Ever. They are not mentioned in our will, and unless somewhere along the line they bump their heads again and become reasonably sociable human beings, they never will be mentioned in there. And guess what? 'Tis the season for such kvetching as I'm doing - there's little likelihood that hobbitt and I can spend all our wealth before we die, so at the moment, I'm actually hoping they'll be a little pissed about it. I'd better get over that, huh? What's really bugging me at the moment? Eh, screw that. I'll just keep on this thread for a moment.

Who's in our will, and how do I get myself in it, you ask? Well - friends L., B., M., C. and S., and P. are mentioned. Our siblings. A few charitable organizations and our favorite internet radio station. Here's how you can get in it: love us, let us love you, remember us, be honest with us, show up, laugh with us, be true. It's simple. Of course it's no guarantee, but without those qualities you don't stand a chance.

Nobody taught those things to my sister's kids. But I learned them and yes, I do know how hard it is to live up to that as an adolescent and young adult. I never blew smoke up any relative's ass the way they do with me, and with their mother. I don't have time for that, nor do I wish to invite that into my house. Every holiday I struggle with it. What do I want? I want my family together and honest. What am I likely to get? One, sometimes, and never the other. Should I give up? Is it unreasonable for me to have expectations of them? Should they have to earn my love?

Truth is, I love them. But I sure as hell don't like them, or respect a few of the older ones, or trust them. That's sad. And there's no template within my family for how to proceed, feeling the way I do. I'd love some advice about it.