should I stay or should I go?

If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know

Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit!

This past holiday was probably the most fun and heartwarming I've ever had. I am constantly blown away by the calibre of people that choose to come here, and equally glad that almost all of them have a definite departure date.

And I can't help feeling we're coming to the end of our tenure here at druid labs east. This is a wonderful house, a lovely piece of land, and there are some awesome features like full-naked privacy and a hot tub on this almost-private road. Even the still-plays-with-construction-equipment neighbor doesn't bother me too much as he's far enough away that I don't have to deal with him.

Leaving our home in Downers Grove was torture for me, harder than dealing with cancer in many ways. I still grieve the loss of our neighbors, the proximity to my girlfriends, my beloved walking trails and Trader Joe's (okay, I'm getting silly now). There's no going back and that's a literal truth: the neighborhood is going McMansion in a big way. I couldn't afford to move back even if I wanted to, though Illinois isn't on any list of places we want to go next. It's changed now and isn't what it was, so perhaps leaving, as painful as it was, in some small way was a blessing in disguise. I would probably want out.

My work here is finished. Mom is gone to her final real estate with Dad in Saint Catharine's Cemetery in Spring Lake. The estate will be closed in a few short months. I don't feel the closeness and intimacy with my local siblings or their children that I do with the out-of-towners that visit us, even the ones who come here without having met us first. Why is that? What's wrong with me?

Other than the normal laziness there is another reluctance to bolt. Would our friends, old and new, come visit us where we land next? Would we isolate ourselves even more than now by settling in a new area without contacts, family, or any sort of mission whatever? Part of me is really excited by the idea of starting out again, the way we did in 1990 when we married and moved from NJ to Illinois. Everything was new and fresh and challenging. Perhaps I've forgotten enough the loneliness I felt at first and for a long time there, the disconnect I felt with the surburban Chicago lifestyle. I'm not that young anymore and let's face it, at my age everything will keep getting harder and harder.

But I want to bolt. I want away from my family, from New Jersey, from fresh memories, fresh grief, unwanted obligations. Aunt Grace in spite of her frail health isn't likely to leave us anytime soon. I can visit Mom and Dad's grave as often as I do now from anywhere in the US, and besides, I don't believe that's where they really are. I'm more attached to their old home as a place for memories.

We came here because I had to. Neither of us wanted this. And yet here we are, and here I struggle again and again and again with this same issue. What should I do? How should I think about this? What's the tool to use for deciding? And most importantly, why can't I just be content here?