underpants gnomes

Last Thursday I was helping our guest Alexandra get settled into the front guest room, and I opened the bureau drawers to see if I needed to rearrange anything to make space for her, when lo! and behold! in the top right drawer I found a pair of French-cut panties, black with brightly colored cherries.

Two years ago my sister Nancy, after having stayed in that room for almost a week, informed me that she found black bikini panties under the bed, and left them there. I was horrified to think panties had been left under a bed in my house - panties that didn't belong to me (though I would have been even more horrified if they had been mine) - and that no one had the decency to tell me. How long had they been there? Who else discovered them and just went home knowing the dirty little secret of my lax housekeeping?

At first I thought those black panties were women's, but after I took them out of the washing machine, I realized the crotch was poofed out, quite a bit, causing me to suspect they belonged Chuck, who had stayed here one night with my old college friend Kevin. But there's no fly, so I really cannot be sure. I threw them away.

There are shirts and swim trunks and all sorts of clothing and stuff around here that do not belong to us: Poligrip in the guest bath; shampoos that Nancy always leaves behind; a cool 1997 Twin Lakes Eastern Regional sweatshirt that I had thought belonged to my nephew but was reunited with Peter when he was here for New Year's Eve; one of Chuck's dress shirts, and more than a couple of Kevin's shirts and bandanas. I don't get my shorts in a bunch about this kind of stuff. There's plenty of room for a few items.

But I think there's an underwear conspiracy going on behind my back. Do these belong to you?