decisions, decisions

I'm thinking I should go back east. Resisting the idea, of course, but thinking about it all the same.

Aunt Grace is trying to decide on hospice care at home. She likes the idea that Medicare will pay for a few hours daily of nursing care, but is having a hard time with the idea that if her heart starts giving her trouble, she won't be going to the hospital. I understand, and it is indeed a hard decision. Palliative care is so different from the way we take care of ourselves all our lives, and in her case that's almost 93 years.

Jeanne thinks Aunt Grace needs someone to talk to to help her make that decision, and someone close to her. Of course, Aunt Grace won't call her friends and burden them with that. Jeanne thought that maybe my brother could help. I've never had a heart-to-heart with my brother and I have a high level of confidence that I never will. And while that doesn't mean he's not up to it, well, there's nothing in our history together that would lead me to believe he's capable of it. But I called him anyway and other than the usual "I'll try to make it down there" vague and non-committal scheduling issues (I can only guess that the wife has him on a short tether), he seemed willing.

Last summer I had to have such a talk with hobbitt's sister in Michigan. But I can't do this for Aunt Grace over the phone. Of course I couldn't get back there in time for her scheduled release from the rehab center on Wednesday (which will also require my brother's help - strong arms to get her back into her home), but I'm thinking I could be of use.

I want to, and don't want to. I should have stayed. It's hard for me to sit tight. It was hard last week, too, when Jan was in charge of all decisions regarding my cousin. I'm so used to stepping up, or into the fray, or whatever you want to call it.

What to do?