let's rechannel this anger

Aunt Grace is hanging on by a thread. An unraveling thread.

She is experienceing congestive heart failure and renal failure. Her BNP number is above 2000, when 900 or more is severe failure. She's wasting away. And it's time for a decision to be made about moving her from the hospital to her home or to a facility.

Her caregivers (her only blood nephew and his wife) think it's time for hospice care. And they believe that she would be better served at home, with 24-hour care. It's the level of attention they feel comfortable with, and I couldn't agree more.

But her medical and financial POA can't be bothered with all this. She doesn't want to talk to doctors. She doesn't want to drive to the Shore where papers will need to be signed. She wants others to make the decisions, even when that's not legally feasible. And she's got all of Aunt Grace's money in her hands now, which makes everything that much more dicey, especially when at-home nursing care might be involved.

This is a delicate situation. The POA is the first (ex) wife of the nephew. They have two children and two grandchildren. Peaceful relations are important.

Enough is enough. I'm just glad I'm not on the east coast, near this POA, and with a rock in my hand. If you can't have enough compassion for an old woman (who loved you and was your friend for 40 years or more) to see to her comfort when you are the only one who can, you have my utter contempt. And that's saying something.

I'm ready to jump in the fray. I'm ready to petition the court for guardianship, since the POA is falling down on the job. I'm ready to tell her what's what. Shit. I'm not in that family. Aunt Grace married my mother's brother. Fuck it.

Which is all the more reason it's a good thing I'm here. But it's torture not being able to act.

All I can do is this:

Dear Aunt Grace: thanks for being my friend all these years. Thanks for being my partner in crime, thanks for loving me.

Thanks for sticking with my family even after Uncle Johnny died, because you were a stable loving force for me as I became an adult.

Forgive me for not going to Paris with you when you wanted to live there with me, on your dime, for three months in the summer of 1978. I was a moron; what can I say?

Thanks for telling and retelling all the wonderful L. family stories from the 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's for me.

Thanks for the love and care you gave to my mother, who practically moved in with you when you married her brother - it must have been tough having a 10-year-old with you on your honeymoon.

Thanks for being a friend to Dad, and giving him a comfortable place to be when he and Mom were at odds.

Thanks for teaching me to love olives by serving them to me in a festive glass of gin and vermouth.

I'll try to be good and remember that family is so very important, in spite of how my family and your family are really testing my nerves right now.

Say hi to Grandma for me. I look forward to seeing you both again, and meeting Uncle Johnny about whom I've heard so many wonderful stories.

May your journey be sweet, and may you forget these last months of pain and trial.

Your loving niece, BlueHeronDruid

Aunt Grace at her 90th birthday party, held at druid labs east, June 2003