it's always something
In the midst of getting ready for our trip, agreeing on the size and placement of the hill gardens, and generally cleaning up after the mess I always make when having guests, my little sister called to tell me some bad news.
Her twin brother's wife (oh, yeah, he's also my brother), who is an only child, found out today that her mother's recent illness is seriously advanced inflammatory breast cancer. Helen is 81, and has been struggling with heart problems and lots of complications for years. This time around it was thought she had a bowel obstruction, but evidently she has a huge mass in her breast, in her abdomen, and on her spine. She had been having mammograms every six months since both of her sisters died of breast cancer. But IBC isn't detected by mammography. And it isn't thought to be hereditary.
My sister is upset that our sister-in-law Susan is an only child. Nancy cannot imagine how we'd have dealt with our parents' illnesses and deaths alone. (As for me, I can't imagine how I'd have dealt with all that without Nancy. She is my friend and ally, and we tend to think like and know when to act.) I can't help thinking that Susan has had 17 years to become a sister to us, and has chosen not to. Maybe that's our fault - I don't know. She doesn't exactly have a warm personality and has held our family at arm's length for the better part of two decades. Our interactions have always been very polite, cheerful, but just shy of icily sterile.
So my regret in all this is that we can't be resources for her, won't be invited to hold her close and comfort her or help her carry the burden. I certainly don't expect any of this to change now. And I'm not feeling the regrets for us, but for her.
I told Nancy that Susan at least has our brother, and he's always been far closer to his in-laws than he has with us, so she's not entirely alone. He came through with the clutch plays for the rest of us - when it came to moving furniture, or setting up hospital beds, or carrying the coffin. Emotionally? Not so much. I pray that he can keep his cool and just be loving.
4 Comments:
That's tough! Although, if she is an only child she may not realize that she isn't close to you. We all have ideas about family based on what we've seen modeled. I know I have family with very different ideas of what that word means.
Perhaps you can't help her the way that you know and would like to but I bet there are ways that you can be there for her that will be perfect for her, and I know that you will find them and practice them because you are you.
My SILs would probably say the same about me, that I'm not as close to them as I could be. But I am as close as I need to be. And I am always there for them if they need me. I just don't NEED them the way that they need each other. Not the same situation you are in at all. It is just that I identified with part of what you wrote.
But the point is - before I ran off on my own bunny trail - that it is so tough to watch someone else struggle. Especially when we know that we could help if they would just let us. I hope you still have a relaxing and peaceful few days away.
they have that wonderful son of theirs to help them through this, too, along with having each other.
as an only, and recently marrying into a big family whos matriarch is getting up in years and declining in physical and emotional health...my parents health and decline (and death) has been on my mind these days. they're both very healthy right now. and relatively young. i don't know how i'll deal with it when the time comes. i know i have this married-into family now, but its not the same as having a sibling to share all the work and tears and heartbreak. i do have friends i can lean on, i'm sure.
having met your sister in law and brother, i understand what you're saying about feeling kept at arms length - i saw it. but as edieraye said, you WILL find the appropriate way to be there for her because you are you.
I can't help thinking that Susan has had 17 years to become a sister to us, and has chosen not to. Maybe that's our fault - I don't know. She doesn't exactly have a warm personality and has held our family at arm's length for the better part of two decades. Our interactions have always been very polite, cheerful, but just shy of icily sterile.
I can't imagine that it's "your" fault. Some people are just predisposed to keep others at arms length due to any variety of things.
My brother-in-law did not have the most loving and heart-warming of families growing up. When he and my sister first became involved, he was friendly enough towards us all, but we were never close. Now, about 18 years or so later, I consider him to be like a brother I never had. He's warm and caring as a father to my nephew, a husband to my sister, a son-in-law to my parents (and stepmother), and a brother to me. That's right, he's a brother more than a brother-in-law. That's the choice he made by letting us all in, he gets a family that loves, cherishes, and is there for him in ways that I don't think even he fully realizes.
They always say that family is supposed to be there for you no matter what, but I laugh at that.
Family can be your worst enemies, in my opinion. I pray your relations are not that way ladyfriend!
Post a Comment
<< Home