don't let me fool you

I am missing my family this holiday season. Big time.

I miss my little sister Nanny-girl. For most of my life I've had nightmares about not being able to protect her from some unimaginable, horrible harm. I can remember each of these awful dreams in grand detail. But 12 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it put the fear in her, and she started getting mammograms, and lo! and behold! she was diagnosed, too, even earlier than I was, with an even better prognosis. Did I beat those dreams or what?

I miss my big sister Ter-Ter. All my life I followed in her footsteps. She thought I was trying to compete. Perhaps some things did come more easily to me, but that's only because she'd always blazed the trail.

I miss my brother Johnny. We're close and yet not close. I don't know how this works, haven't figured out the language. I only know that distance from him is painful for the most part.

Mom and Dad, my aunts and uncles, gone. All gone. Most of the cousins I was close to, gone. Just one, in Tucson, who used to babysit for us in exchange for Dad taking care of her car. We write, we talk. Our lives are very far apart.

Perhaps I need a new family. Anyone got some to spare? Heaven forgive me, I feel so lonesome this holiday season.