disappointment and hurt

One of the friends I love the most has just suffered a big hurt because of a decision one of her loved ones has made. I cry to think of how much she is hurting right now. And something she said got me to pondering about relationships.

There's a huge spectrum of reactions to the world. I know, duh. But I started to think about who in the world has hurt me. I guess I could go back and think of some stupid boyfriends from my youth, but that doesn't seem to fit the bill. I could say that some of my late ex-friend Susan's actions or my ex-friend Janice's actions were hurtful, but from this perspective, it just seems that we were on different wavelengths. Susan wanted more attention than I could have given her at the point, and Janice was struggling with immense changes in her own life, and projected that all on me with the "I don't know who you are anymore and I don't think we can be friends" line. My response was "Okay. Whatever. I gotta go." After hearing something like that I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of my tears or of hearing any of her rationale.

Oh, yes, I was devastated at the time. And Susan's reasons for pushing me out of her life were valid, I guess, and though I could have trotted out a long list of slights she perpetrated upon me, I never looked at those things that way. I've never enjoyed carrying a grudge.

If I wanted to, I could believe that I'm hurt that my dearest friend in all the world, Linduh, won't come visit me here. I know travel is difficult for her and being away from home is a big stressor. Yet she's going to Germany next month. Her brother is there for an extended stay. So I think I understand something of that trip. I don't understand why she thinks Pete is the ends of the earth.

But my feelings are more in the range of confusion and disappointment, mixed in with a lot of love and hope. Maybe I just don't hold on to people as tightly as others. Maybe having expectations thrust upon me most of my young life has made me averse to doing that to someone else. Maybe I'm mis-wired for normal feelings. Maybe I do experience hurt but don't hang on to it. I don't know.

Anyway, if it is indeed human to err, then relationships are simply going to hit the catastrophic end of the scale from time to time. It sucks. It's confusing. But usually, nobody dies. Usually.

I just want to take a gentle, meandering path through life. I want to invite people in, and let them go when they need to. I want to let go of expectations.

I have a lot of work to do, then, huh.