something amazing

So all you have to do is scroll down a bit to see that I've been having some issues lately. Big ones. It's tiresome and familiar. I want to be done with that but I'm not sure brain chemistry is subject to my will. And on top of that I tend to think of myself as a weak person.

But something amazing happened this weekend. It was part "hang out with people I love, indulge in very bad behavior, laugh my ass off and recharge my batteries" but there was much more. Many, many deep conversations with folks who have both physical and mood issues paid off in profound and subtle ways.

One of my friends, a very active person, has been relegated to a wheelchair for the most part. We talked a bit about what it's like to make such an adjustment - my issue being two bad knees as well as the abuse I heap upon them by being as large as I am - and her attitude was simple: Yep. It sucks. And I'm dealing with it, and it's okay. What's my option? It wouldn't occur to her to wallow in self-pity. Life's way too short for that.

Many of the conversations I had not only with her but with a few others centered around what I call "attachment to suffering." I was hearing my friends talk about their trials and tribulations, and listening to the stories they were telling themselves. Not so different, at all, from the story I've been telling myself.

I don't want to tell myself that story. That story sucks.

So here goes. My parents loved me the best they could. There is no doubt in my heart about that. And yet, what I needed from them was something else. And guess what? I'm a big enough girl now to know where to get that kind of love, acceptance and approval. Like I did this weekend. In spades.

I'm done with fretting about what I have to do, and instead will strive to simply do it. Procrastination hasn't won me any awards or accolades. Instead, what I reap from it is self-loathing and anxiety. And I want to do that why?

Same with poor choices in food and beverage. And exercise. And socializing, or rather the lack thereof.

In 1994 I faced a big fear - my mortality. With that gun to my head, I changed my life around completely, effortlessly, and with the help of loving friends. Every choice I made back then reflected a simple goal: health and healing. I told myself that every day. And I lived it. That wasn't the work of a weak person.

Moving to New Joy Sea was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Yes, it was harder, emotionally, than dealing with cancer. And while I was packing up my house to get it ready for sale, my little sister was diagnosed with cancer. I think we can agree this was a wee bit stressful. But I stepped up to the plate, saw her through surgery, returned home to finish the packing, and when we sold, I took off alone to find our next home.

I had 850 miles to tell myself a happy story. My mantra then was "I'm going to find the perfect home. There will be no snags. It's going to be smooth sailing. And I'll be back near my family! How cool is that!" And it worked!

Suffice it to say that shit happened, obstacles were overcome, and the force was with me. It took focus and determination and it all worked out just fine. That wasn't the work of a weak person.

Now, had I told myself another story, it could have been a gut-wrenching nightmare, even though the same events would have occurred.

I tell myself all the time that nothing in this world exists that wasn't first a thought. I tell myself all the time that energy follows intention, I've even proven to myself that it's true. Why am I not listening to myself? I know everything I need to know to walk in the world with integrity, peace, and power.

Right now I don't know the answer to why I indulge in those old, tired, suffering stories of myself. And frankly I don't really care about the why all that much. From here, I'm going to get busy living. Make choices that serve my highest good, not my sorriest weaknesses. Do what's in front of me, the way my beloved husband does. I so admire him for it - I always have. I'm going to do what will make me feel good about myself - not just something that will make me feel good. I'm going to open my heart to those folks around me who are suffering, with the hopes that they will see even just a little bit of light for themselves.

I'm going to be better than all right. And most importantly, I'm going to be in closer touch with those wonderful friends who showed me the way, whether they knew it or not, this past weekend.